Category Archives: Dick Don’t Need No Education

The Twenty-Six Point Plan to Find a Job

In no particular order.
Plan A: start an online job account at my coworkers’ workplace and his coworkers will hire meFAIL
Plan B: ask a congressional candidate who formerly worked in green energy whom I volunteered for two months to help me network (idea submitted by myself) FAIL
Plan D: apply for FEMA jobs to help with Hurricane Sandy FAIL
Plan E: New York Police Department FAIL
Plan F: take sanitarian civil service exam FAIL (19 JAN 2013)
Plan G: await Fire Department test results FAIL (scored a 94, too low to be considered)
Plan I: apply to TS Associates the company that bought out my last company FAIL

Plan J: apply to New York City recycling/ green jobs FAIL

Plan K: play on a volleyball team with corporate professionals FAIL I ended up on a team with all public school school teachers. FAIL
Plan C: walk dogs for high end clientele on Manhattan’s Upper East Side FAIL
Plan H: contact the mayor’s office of veterans affairs FAIL

Plan L: apply to be on a community board FAIL

Plan M: redo Plan A FAIL (in three hours, the record fastest time fail)
Plan N: connect with a LEED certified architect, eco-consultant FAIL he just ignored two phone calls, two emails
Plan O: go to Hunter College Job Fair, resume workshop FAIL
Plan P: apply to Exaac, a former contracting company so I can bang the girl I was supposed to FAIL
Plan Q: ask headhunter who recruits for tech jobs similiar to what I did FAIL
Plan R: go to veterans job fair FAIL
Plan S: apply for civil service exam for food inspector FAIL
Plan T: apply for FEMA disaster relief jobs FAIL
U,V,W to be decided
In case the above 23 plans should fail.
Plan X: resign my 09S (commissioned officer candidate) contract and go enlisted in any MOS that will take me (idea submitted by my drill sergeant)
Pros: I have full time employment and the time is either going to be 3,4,5 or 6 years (which is less than the current 8 year contract I have)
Cons: I end up with a MOS that I do not like.
Plan Y: volunteer to go on deployment in the Global War on Terror
Pros: I will automatically received five points veterans preference and a career conditional federal job for the rest of my life. (assuming I do not lose my life) If I have a service connected disability (loss of limb, eyesight) I will receive ten points.

Cons: If I lose my life my mother gets $400K, plus derived preference meaning she is guaranteed a federal job for the rest of her life.

Plan Z: go to the French Foreign Legion (idea submitted by a Navy recruiter and former coworker)
Pros: I get out of my American military contract. I will be employed for five years, speak French fluently and they will create identity for me. I want to come back as a doctor.
Cons: My family will never see me again. I will have a new identity, French name and passport and any attempts to locate me will be unsuccessful. I will be paid about 1043 euros a month ($1394 US dollars a month)

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First to Graduate College, First to Finish Graduate School…..

I was reading my congresswoman’s re-election page this summer

Congresswoman Nydia M. Velázquez’s personal story is one of many firsts: first in her family to attend college; first Puerto Rican woman elected to Congress; first Hispanic woman to serve as the top Democrat of a House Committee; and first Latina to be Chair of a full Congressional Committee.

So I thought today about how my younger brother is the first in the family to graduate college. (that’s because I was kicked out for three semesters for violating the honor code and cheating on a exam and my deans called me psychologically unstable, then we spent three semesters arguing over one credit hour). This past spring he was the first to finish graduate school.

Recently he was offered a job with the city of New York again and he declined it. I think it was a simple choice for him because he used to a former municipal employee. And he knows what he is going back to. Understandably as my friends and I all get older we realize that the same nuances we tolerated as teenagers in our high school and college years is hardly the case now.Perhaps the favorite quote is “You’re not paying me enough money to quit my volunteer job.”

Well my brother is going to finish his prerequisites and may apply to a PhD or MD program and for someone who barely skated by in undergrad I am confident he’ll be able to finish it if he chooses. And then at least you’ll be addressing his as doctor.
At the very least I have some notable firsts.  First to be laid off three times since the capital market collapse of 2008. First in terms of longest streak of unemployment amongst all my peers (ten months and counting) and longest total time unemployed (24 months and counting)

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Lying, Cheat And Steal

Last month, someone circulated a list of her reasons why her boyfriend is a loser. (sadly most of those requirements I meet but another story for another post) I asked this person about the allegations and he would not comment on them.

I am reminded of the time when I was kicked out of school for cheating on an exam.

So my advice to this person, is to evaluate. Plus the accuser has a lot of friends and they probably have formed their own opinion. I published this list on this blog and he asked me to remove it. However I wrote him back a letter persuading him to keep it on. Why? When people criticize you, evaluate the credibility of the criticism, ask if it is founded and constructive and do things to better yourself. I know when I write this he’ll probably won’t care. He will read paragraph above and find ways to better himself.

Someone recently brought up the idea I should lie on my resume. In his words “apparently bullshit is a very transferable skill.” He couldn’t be more right. A lot of my readers have lied the gamut: cheated on their taxes, exaggerated their salary at their current job to get a new job to pay them more money and even lied about academic credentials. I have even caught people in lies. I may be unemployed but people know I sniff out lies better than mydog who finds snacks in my backpack. Here is a recent story about Yahoo’s CEO Scott Thompson, apparently a hedge fund has called out that the CEO of one of the largest search engines does not have a computer science degree. Resume padding: inconsequential or inexcusable.

I think back sometimes to the days at that college. And although I missed a lot of opportunities to participate in clubs, do research with a professor or study abroad. I remember one year I applied to Earth House, the interviewer told me what made me believe I was qualified to live there. She said “just majoring in environmental science does not qualify.”

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May Day: Dick’s Call For Help

Today was our second accounting exam. The good thing was there was no heart attack or vomiting victims this time. The bad news is I am pretty sure I failed this one. We had our last exam Tue. Apr. 3rd and reviewed it the following Thursday. The second week was spring break so there were no classes. The third week she was absent one day. So we covered two chapters in three classes and had our exam today.



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Dick’s Job Title: Unemployed

Two weeks ago a group of us who are current and former employees of a place I used to work were having beers in downtown Brooklyn after a softball practice. I had recently heard New York City lost its challenge to the 2010 Census count which said that New York City only grew several percentage points in ten years and Queens only increased by 0.1% (that is one tenth of one percent) We got into a conversation about how I believe the Census Bureau’s counting is sometimes flawed, allowing people to get away with erroneous information that undercount cities . He briefly mentioned he saw my resume the other day in the pool of qualified candidates from human resources to be interviewed for a position in his department. [Which defeats another employee’s remarks that I have a permanent bar against me from ever working there.]    This person has said to me on numerouse occasions that one of the demography directors always liked my quality of work because I was very thorough.

I said the list must be gargantuan because the job is not the regular planner position (which usually requires a Master’s degree and experience and everyone wants) rather that of a technician which assists planners, opening the qualified pool to more candidates. He said not only was I right; I would probably not even get an interview because they’re were a lot of overqualified candidates and his boss is looking for someone to project population counts using statistics. He said: “It makes me wonder how I would have gotten a job there today because some of those candidates are more qualified than me.”

A thing I have alluded to before is it contrary to popular belief applying to jobs which pay less or one is overqualified for does not get you a job quicker. When I was working at my last job during one of the final days there, they offered two data-entry clerk positions and encouraged everyone to apply. The news one day around the office was they received 584 applicants for those two positions. My point is jobs that are easier to do usually have more candidates applying.

One of the new employees who recently started at this agency asked me what my job title was. Somehow he received the impression (the wrong one) that I actually still work there. One of the girls (who I might add probably falls into the list of hating me) blurted out unemployed. I burst into fake hysterical laughter like Anthony Edwards does from Top Gun. Add that to my list of titles. Dick aka unemployed, aka ultimate epitome of a loser aka the final intern aka three-time unemployment benefits recipient.

As I have said before. Perception is key, and the perception thus far is I am not looking good in some people’s eyes.

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Work And Education For Women

Last month I asked someone I knew how their sisters were doing. She had recently broke off with her boyfriend.  She told me that her older sister recently moved with her long time boyfriend making  this person is the last one who is still living at home with her mother. From the tone of her voice she seemed unhappy to say this. She may not be happy now, however she will be happier in the long-term. I think what this person will discover is that education and work fosters independence. One thing is for certain, she will be happier than her three sisters one of which is married to a physically abusive husband and has two children. The other two are just living with their boyfriends and not working.

I say this because I see the same mistakes in these women that I see in my mother. My mother was always encouraged by my father not to work and just stay home and take care of her two sons. She wanted more independence and some of her own spending money. However she had only a grade school education and she only had experience in the restaurant service industry. So when I was in my teens she started working in her forties at a restaurant for minimum wage. She gained the independence she wanted. Now that my father has passed away and my mother is too old to work. She has little savings, lives solely off a $247/month pension (which will never be adjusted for inflation) and $750 a month of Social Security benefits.

Using education and work are outlets for women to gain independence from men. It allows them the flexibility to live life on their own terms, and this girl I mentioned in this post may not see it now. But she will see in ten-twenty years down the road. What Daryl said was right though. He said this sister is different from the other ones. [and that I should give her a chance]


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Filed under Daryl White, Dick Don't Need No Education, Gainfully Unemployed, The Women of Dick

What if Dick Won the Mega-Millions Jackpot?

As many of you know tonight is the largest lottery jackpot in history. My mother speaks about the five cornerstones of life, having a wife, children, house, car and a great job.(none of which I have) So I am going to try and change that by buying a lottery ticket. They say money can’t buy a lot of things such as love and happiness. I disagree. If I won the lottery here is how I would buy the following:

House: I would my mother a house (preferably one in an affluent white neighborhood because she thinks white people = low crime)

Wife/Girlfriend: pay a random girl to tell my mother she is my wife/girlfriend. She would be black just for the pure purpose of pissing my mother off.

Child: knock up this random girl to give my mother a grandchild (preferably a black woman so all her friends would be disgusted at a blasian child)

Job: stage my own funeral and get myself a new identity so my mother would leave me alone. Then go to work for the city of New York for $1. (and piss off every municipal employee) Because every single day I would do work, just for the sole purpose of doing something most city employees are seen as not doing. And then I would just come up with snarky remarks to all the ghetto and sass attitude they have.

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