Why I Want To Join the Military

Alot has been happening at work recently and I’ll delve into the details in later entries for two reasons. It takes a good amount of time to write a poignant entry and edit it. Two, my readers have been inundated with entries about work and how Daryl has left the company a little hectic. At 8:00pm EST last night President Obama announced an accelerated withdrawal from Afghanistan furthering the fact that I will never be getting into the military. Many of my readers have asked why I want to go so badly and in this entry I will offer some insight.

1. I don’t want to live till 40 years old.

The reason I say 40 years old is because most people I think set that as a bench mark. The federal government defines age discrimination as screening candidates over 40 don’t want to grow old. By the time I reach 40 I definitely won’t be dating any younger women who are decently attractive (unless I’m Hugh Hefner, but then I have to worry about public image)

At the Bureau of the Census as a management consultant I worked with many people older than me. Since the federal government has a strict policy against age discrimination many times they would hire older people. But many of these older people couldn’t think as strategically, type as fast, learn technical software as quickly. Many of them who were smart and skilled would of otherwise been qualified if they didn’t have so much baggage. Some of them were long term unemployed, spent all their money in child custody battles, divorces, or had their 401K wiped clean. Here they were in their 40s, 50s, and sometimes 60s competing with people in their 20s. I remember a Middlebury college red haired girl who was only 22 years old and she texted, typed so quickly she could not only run circles around me she would be able to run circles around everyone including her manager.

2. I want to travel the world even if that means going to places like Libya, Syria, Bahrain, Afghanistan or Iraq. Every time a natural disaster strikes there is always this outpouring of aid. But I want to experience those stories you read about on CNN about war torn countries, poverty, lack of access to clean drinking water for myself.

3. I need a job that wows people. Like Manuel, a Navy SEAL goes around a Halloween party and tells all the AZN girls he wants to bend them over the bathroom sink and have sex with them? And ten minutes later an AZN girl ends up with him in Felton’s bathroom. Sort of, but not exactly. For example everytime there is an earthquake or tsuami there is alwas the occasional remark from Daryl. He says we should go to Haiti to help. And yet what skills does he and I have? He’s neither the helicopter pilot delivering aid supplies or doctor providing medical care that he wants to be. Sorry but writing a computer program doesn’t translate to helping out in times of crisis. And what girl finds programming sexy, they just like him cause he makes $100,000 a year.

But seriously, I want a job that seriously garners respect. I don’t want to have the bad rap of municipal employees who don’t do any work and leave at 4:30pm not a minute later.

4. I can’t sit in front of a computer for long periods of time. One of the things I respect Daryl for doing is sitting through 5 years of college, and six years of programming. He’s worked overnight and gained hundreds of pounds, drank liters of coffee to sit in front of that computer. But it’s my third week at work and I can’t stand it.

5. I like the idea of having a different job every two-three years. No other job wants you to do that. When an employer hires you they want to hear you’ll stay there forever. but the military wants to shuffle you around.

6. I can’t stand living in New York City, public housing with my mother. Perhaps this would be a different story if I were making six figures and had an apartment below 96th Street in Manhattan or downtown Brooklyn. But my mother expects me to put a down payment for a house because she hates to see that my rent bill is over $1000 every month. My mother and brother will spend more time complaining about how rent has soared in New York City. How my neighbor and their children are all accountants but only pay $180 a month? (because they are cheating the public housing agency)

So to stop all the complaining I pay the $1,000 singlehandely and it hardly puts a dent in my wallet. If I moved out though, the rent would remain mostly the same because my brother’s income alone puts us above at the ceiling. So if I got an apartment for myself I’d still have to foot the rent for my mother.

And the other problem is this preconceived notion that everyone must buy property. What I call the AZN-American dream. But here are the stipulations: it must be in a safe neighborhood (read as no hispanics and blacks), and AZN neighborhood, which is readily accessible by public transportation. She must be hallucinating if she thinks my job in finance that pays less than a job in finance will be able to support this.

7. I need to prolong getting married, having children.

Let’s be realistic. I am not meeting anyone at my workplace that has 17 men and three women. I work about 9am and leave around 7-8pm so I am not meeting anyone outside of work. In order to get married I actually have to do a four step process: flirt, meet, date, court women.Getting in to the military gives me an excuse to leave the daily grind. And since I’ll be bouncing around on deployments which women in thir right mind would want to marry me anyways.

8. I am disenfranchised with New York City women in general.

I am frankly tired of women in New York City because there are those who meet the sweetest sixteen requirements but those who do either are not into me or already taken. Then there are those who don’t meet the sweetest sixteen requirements who don’t work, don’t do anything productive with their time.

Here are some FAQs and hardline questions about the military that I have addressed:

1. What if you go to war?

The Afghanistan and Iraq wars are the longest  and costliest in our country’s history. At over ten years and over 1 trillion dollars spent the federal deficit is at an all time high. These wars are winding down, the chances there will be another war in our lifetime is practically nil.

2. What if you lose a limb or come back traumitized?

If I lose a limb or experience post traumatic stress disorder I am guaranteeded a federal job for life because of veteran’s preference rules. That is what Daryl wants to see, that Dick is basically employable no ifs ands or buts.I experienced a Marine Corps vet during the Census who said he didn’t see why he was hired if he only got a 70s on the test when everyone else got 100,98,97. He was a soldier who has steel rods in his leg from shrapnel when his unit rolled over an IED in Iraq.

3. What if you die? I will definitely purchase the military life insurance plan because no other private company will insure you. The reason is if I die, my mother actually gets $250,000, which would actually pay most of the principal to a house in an AZN neighborhood.

Either way I see this as a win-win situation. The military is looking for those who are what I call the ultimate measure of a man. And I’m looking to get as far f**k away from the ghetto, beautiful women in Christian Louboutin heels walking down the streets of New York City.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Why I Want To Join the Military

  1. Grover Mannings

    If you’re joining the military just to get respect out of people or to get laid, you’re joining for the wrong reasons. My guess is by week four of basic training you’ll ask yourself this: why the hell am I crawling up a muddy hill with 40lbs of gear just to go back to the barracks at night, shower with a bunch of sweaty men and then jerk off in bed? Surely it’s not for the paycheck.

    If you want to get respect, build it up yourself.

    Believe it or not, not every girl likes a man in uniform. If you look back at the Vietnam era, you’ll see that troops returning home were scorned. Some people even spat at them.

    I’m not saying that it will happen to you; I’m just pointing out the fact that not EVERYONE respects the military and wants to SCREW the guys on shore leave. The girls that follow military guys around are no different than a rock band’s groupies: cheap and easy – definitely not marriage material.

    You can get respect AND get laid in other ways more true to your character.

  2. M M

    I would NEVER date, or marry a military man. There are plenty of other ways to gain respect, make money, and get the girl. Medicine, duh! Clean energy, duh! And when it comes right down to it, crunching numbers or being behind a computer IS respectable, especially if it pays for all the things that you DO enjoy doing, like traveling and marrying.

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